(Isaac at the Aviary in Pittsburgh - this makes me smile)
Today would have been Isaac's 26th birthday.
I feel like it should be some profound day, or that I should feel some dramatic feeling about it....but I don't. Perhaps it's because I'm not a big birthday person. Perhaps it's because at some point, Isaac and I both accepted the fact that his 25th birthday would be his last here on earth. Isaac's dad, Bruce, said recently that the big birthday for Isaac now is February 24th, his "Heaven birthday". I like that.
This has been a really draining month for me emotionally. For the first time since Isaac died, I haven't been sleeping well. Between work stress, the winter blahs, and my constant thoughts of "a year ago today we were __________", my mind just seems to be running all the time.
Last year at this time, I wrote this: "This is just such a weird place that I am in right now. Our nurse called it "coasting", which really does describe how I feel. I feel like I am on autopilot. I get around 4-6 hours of sleep a night, never all in a row though. Yet, I am not exhausted. I hardly cry anymore, I just hold it together somehow.
Many people have told me how strong I am, and this whole experience is certainly showing me that I am stronger than I thought! But, I think you would be doing the same thing if you were in my situation. You don't really have a choice. You have to be strong, because if you just fall all apart, who will be there to help your loved one?"
This year, I somewhat have that "autopilot" feeling, but yet this year, I also feel totally okay with breaking down. I know when I am upset, that I can cry, fall apart, and spend a few hours curled up under a blanket without having to worry that I'll miss giving a dose of medicine or something. I like that. I like knowing that it's okay...and I'll be okay.