Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Ramblings

Yesterday was the first day of school.  I got some beautiful flowers from my parents, met my students, and only had to threaten a trip to the office once! 

Then, after school I sat down to edit my "About Me" PowerPoint that I show to my students every year.  And I had to delete the slide called "My Husband"...the slide with a picture from our wedding.  And I had to change the slides that talked about our summer trips on our honeymoons (yes - honeymoonS!) to pictures of the things I did by myself this summer.  And someday, some unsuspecting 6th grader will ask if I am married, or why my name is "Mrs." but I don't wear a wedding ring, or about who my husband is...and I'll have to explain.

It hit me a little hard last ngiht, as I sat eating Chili's takeout.  I remembered going out to dinner with Isaac after my first day of school last year, and getting "have a great first day!" text messages, and deciding that my vow to go to the gym every morning last year was less important than spending an extra hour snuggled with my husband. 

Then I read my friend Amy's blog.  Amy lost her husband, David, to sarcoma just about a month after I lost Isaac.  She wrote today about "triggers" - things that remind her of David and make her happy.  So, I thought I'd share some of things I see that remind me of Isaac and make me smile.

White t-shirts.  Everytime I see someone in a plain white tshirt and jeans, I think of Isaac. 

Fish.  Isaac bought me a betta to keep at school last year, which I promptly ended up killing.  So after he died, and his friends took his big fish tanks to keep at their houses, I bought myself a new betta fish and he makes me smile.

Junk food.  Hot Pockets, Hamburger Helper, Dr. Pepper, Mac and Cheese, Tony's Pizza - every now and then I'm rooting through my cabinets and I find one of these things and it reminds me of Isaac.  I used to tell him we should try the all organic thing and he would tell me if cancer was going to kill him, he was going to at least enjoy eating Doritos and drinking soda!

Gold 4-door Saturns.  Everytime I see one I still check the bumper for a "Submit to Authority" bumper sticker.

My Bible...which is actually Isaac's.  He wasn't much of a note taker, but every now and then I find little underlines or words that he wrote. 

I've had a lot of "How are you doing?" questions lately, and the answer is:  most days I am doing really well.  Just sometimes, something happens and I miss Isaac so much I can barely breathe.  But most of the time, I'm okay.  I remember the good times and the fun we had and the life we lived, and I still miss him - but I'm happy. 

"It's hard when you miss people.  But you know if you miss them, it means that you're lucky.  It means that you had someone special in your life...someone worth missing."

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3 comments:

  1. Thanks for a refreshing morning cry. I'm so proud to call you my friend. I think of Isaac whenever I see anything to do with Lost.

    Love you!

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  2. What a heartfelt, poignant post. I had to stop and catch my breath there at the end. So touching. I sometimes try to imagine my life without my husband and I simply can't. But you've shown that life does go on, and that's how it should be. May God strengthen you more each day.

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  3. I don't even know you, this is my first time here, and I have tears in my eyes. God bless you for all you have been through.

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